MEMPHIS — U.S. Senator Marsha “Go-Fund-Me” Blackburn (R-TN) strutted onto Fox News this week to brag about how she’s “Making Memphis Safe Again.” With a straight face, she praised federal raids, the National Guard, and “the best crime stats Memphis has seen in years.”
But while Marsha is busy tossing regular folks in jail for carjacking and truancy, she’s also been quietly keeping her campaign promise to protect the Epstein Billionaire Boys Club.
Sources say Blackburn recently met with a handful of Epstein’s buddies whose names appear in the still-buried files. After exchanging the usual pleasantries, they assured her they had “given up their extracurricular pedophile hobbies.” Blackburn, ever the public servant, accepted their word without hesitation….especially once they slid her a six-figure campaign check across the table with a knowing wink.
“Marsha’s brand of justice is simple,” explained one Memphis resident. “If you’re a teenager caught skipping school, she’ll call in the National Guard. If you’re a billionaire with a private jet hiding from justice, she’ll call in her treasurer.”
Blackburn insisted the crackdown was about “protecting children from gangs.” Left unsaid: it doesn’t extend to protecting children from powerful donors with an island getaway, Manhattan Townhouses and a taste for secrecy.
Critics blasted her hypocrisy, saying she’s perfected the GOP’s favorite formula: tough on the powerless, soft on the check-writers. One wag noted, “If your kid swipes a Kia, he’s toast. If your name shows up in the Epstein files, Marsha sends a thank-you card.”
At press time, Blackburn’s office released a new fundraising appeal modeled after her crime plan:
$100 donation: Blackburn will make a fiery Fox News speech about crime in your neighborhood.
$10,000 donation: She’ll personally guarantee your speeding tickets & tax evasion charges vanish.
$100,000 donation: Minor felonies magically downgraded to “bad choices.”
$1,000,000+ donation: Congratulations, you’ve unlocked the Epstein Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Package. Your name disappears, the files stay sealed, and Marsha “Go-Fund-Me” Blackburn promises to look the other way while cashing your check.
“Justice is blind,” Blackburn said in closing, “but my campaign account has 20/20 vision.”
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