Sarah Huckabee Sanders Races to Save Family Farms Before Vice President J.D. Vance’s Tech Billionaires Buy Them All at Auction
LITTLE ROCK — Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders took one look at the farm foreclosure signs sprouting across her state like weeds and decided she had better do something before J.D. Vance and his billionaire tech buddies from AcreTrader showed up at the auction barn with a checkbook and a drone.
Sanders proudly announced she had signed two letters of intent with Taiwan’s ag industry to buy billions in Arkansas corn and soybeans. She called it “great news for our row crop farmers,” which is political code for, “Trump’s tariffs turned your bottom line into hog slop and I need a headline that doesn’t say ‘Sanders Shrugs While Farms Die.’”
The governor painted it as a win for the state, but insiders whispered it was more of a preemptive strike. “If J.D. Vance and the Silicon Valley Land Barons get here first, every cotton & soybean field from Stuttgart to Jonesboro will be turned into a Private Equity Asset,” said one farmer, adjusting his John Deere hat nervously.
A spokesman for AcreTrader said the company was “excited about the future of agriculture,” which most folks translated as “We’d like to own it all by Tuesday.”
Sanders insisted the deal was about helping Arkansas farm families, though critics noted the fine print says final terms, prices, and conditions will still be negotiated directly by importers and U.S. suppliers — meaning Wall Street will be sharpening its pitchforks.
“Arkansas farmers deserve relief, not another lecture about market forces,” one soybean grower muttered while reading the announcement. “If Taiwan wants our beans, fine. But if I see J D & his Acre Trader buddies pulling up to the co-op in a limo, I’m out.”
At press time, Sanders was reportedly drafting a new plan to keep Vance’s billionaire farm-flipping crew out of the state, starting with a proposed “No Vice Presidents Allowed at Farm Auctions” sign to be posted at every county fairground.
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